Travelling With Anxiety

This is me disappearing in to the Cu Chi tunnels in Vietnam

Being an introvert is not a new thing, it’s been with me my entire life but what is new to me is recognising it and understanding it.

When I first bought that one-way ticket to New Zealand back in 2015, I couldn’t actually believe I’d done it. I remember staring at the flight confirmation on my laptop screen in complete awe. I’d been dreaming of a new life for years, becoming a cultured, worldly, bohemian being, making friends wherever I went, wearing hippy trousers, becoming at one with myself and living the cliched ‘best life’.

But if I’m being completely honest, I had grown accustomed to it being just that - a dream.

I’d become so safe living my predictable life, turning up to my predictable job, surrounded by all my childhood things in the bedroom I’d become a woman in, and had become fearful of change. When I finally made the decision to buy my plane ticket and organise my Working Holiday Visa, I remember feeling a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. 

Then the countdown to leaving my whole life as I knew it began, and the nerves kicked in.

Believe me, finding myself on the other side was no easy feat. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing and suddenly all the previous dreams I'd had became a very real, very turbulent inner nightmare. 

I’ve never actually had this medically diagnosed but I believe I suffer from social anxiety.

I’ve never had more than a handful of friends and even then, I’d always much prefer to meet up with one friend alone rather than a mass gathering. I’m definitely that girl that will cancel on plans, especially if it's a party or with people I’m not familiar with.

I don’t know what it is about a group of people that sets off some kind of inner red flag and it’s not just attending parties, it’s also leaving the house if I’ve stayed in for a few days. It’s having to force myself to go to the supermarket or go to work after missing a few days. It’s the thought of having to talk to people, to look at people and have them looking at me. It’s the pressure of having them judge me or misunderstanding me, suffering awkward silences and not appearing confident enough or interesting.

It’s this feeling that somehow manages to take over my whole entire body, convincing me that something will go wrong and therefore stops me from doing anything.

A rare group shot of me (3rd in from the right) with other solo backpackers on a tour of the temples in Cambodia

I wholeheartedly accept that I am an introvert but I (and others) often confuse it with being anti-social. That doesn’t necessarily mean I’m shy, in fact sometimes I’m quite the opposite! I’ve often met people who thought I was a very confident and bubbly person who had a hold on life but I have to admit, I usually never see these people again. 

Actually, It hurts sometimes when people say I’m a hermit or I’m anti-social because I genuinely don’t mean to be. I love going out for dinner at a nice restaurant, or to a cafe or even going out to a bar sometimes. I love going for walks, hikes, swimming etc and it’s not that I don’t want to go, it’s just that I’d prefer to go with just one person. More than one and I end up losing myself and putting on a front. I’ve built this facade up over the years, pretending I’m ok with these anti-social labels and living up to these labels when actually, it’s not truly who I am.

It’s just anxiety. 

So all these dreams I’d had about meeting groups of cool people, forging lifelong friendships and belonging to a soul tribe were simply that, a dream. 

Backpacking changed my life. I know, I know, you’ve heard it all before but I’m telling you the truth, it honestly changed my life! I can positively say that the best decision I have ever made was the decision to travel solo. It has absolutely been the most liberating gift I have ever given myself and although it took me a full year of travelling solo to work out what I liked, to listen to my inner voice and to trust myself, I eventually learnt to embrace my own empowerment and discovered that actually, I’m alright, just as I am. 

Feeling free in Samoa

That doesn’t mean my anxiety stopped, on the contrary! If anything, it worsened for a while.

Imagine being holed up in a hostel with a group of absolute strangers and having nothing to say to them?

Imagine being stranded in a brand new city with no idea what to do next?

I’m pretty sure I fought some kind of inner battle with myself at least once a day and literally had to tell myself - you don’t need to be the life and soul of the party. You don’t need to say yes to every invitation. You don’t need to succumb to peer pressure, the right people will love you for who you really are. You don’t need to explain yourself or apologise for that. 

The beauty of backpacking is that all of us are seeking the same thing, adventure.

Well, mostly all of us.

So whether you go alone or whether you go with friends, travelling will open your eyes up to a whole new world and I’m not trying to offer counsel but all I’d say is try not to hold yourself back. If you want to do something, then you should do it.

Everyone's on their own journey and fellow backpackers will understand that. If you don’t feel like doing what the majority are doing, then don’t do it! Simple as that. Sure, back home your friends might automatically assume the worst but a million miles away, someone else won’t. You’re not tied to any one, you’re not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do and if you don’t like something or somewhere, you move on. The next place might be more your style anyway but you’ll never find out if you don’t even try, right?

As soon as you manage to say yes I can to the little devil on your shoulder saying you can’t, then you’ve already won the war. 

I found this out the hard way but as soon as I did, I started developing those lifelong friendships I’d previously dreamt about. Not groups of course, but a friend here or there that I’d spend a day with, a week with or even a few months with and guess what? I still talk to them today. 

I’m not going to pretend I’m completely cured of this form of anxiety, I don’t think it will ever truly leave me (just wait until you hear about my South East Asia travels) but if you can even remotely relate to this, then I hope it has helped somewhat in knowing that you’re not alone.

And if you’re thinking of branching out solo, then just remember that you set your own pace and trust me, you’ll not only meet the right people but you’ll also come face to face with yourself along the way.